Getting real

I had mentioned in my introductory post that I have this love/ hate relationship with food...I love it while I'm eating but, instantly hate myself for loving it some much that I completely over indulge and feel totally disgusted with myself. I'm rather highly emotional and I tend to take out my emotions on food. Right now, and for a good part of my life, I'd consider food to be everything I look forward to. I don't believe that to be a truly horrific statement, but I allow food to be my life despite wanting so many other things. I allow food to control me and that's the part I am not ok with.
Never, ever thought I would have an eating disorder...I am currently in my second year of recovery, however I sometimes feel like I swapped one eating disorder for another and therefore still controlled by food. I went from total restriction to utter indulgence... from complete emptiness to unsatisfyingly full. I find the most comfort in food, maybe not so much food itself, as the act of eating. While eating, my mind escapes and I feel nothing but joy and anticipation for the next bite...I guess I crave the feeling rather than the taste. I've for a long time been depressed, lonely, and sad...I realize now that I don't feel any of those things while I am eating. Food and I have this crazy relationship,as I pause and really think about it, this might be the most intense relationship I have. My thoughts, feelings, and motives about and for food are rooted so deep and have grown so intertwined with many if not all areas of my life. How I think, perceive, anticipate, feel, and live for food is pretty characteristic of how I think, perceive, anticipate, and feel about anything. Food is my escape, my sactuary, my happiness, yet it is my demise, my grief, my hell. I struggle so much I think because food is my everything, meaning that it is my happinnes and my sadnes, my escape and my prison, my enjoyment and my dissatisfaction. I've given food dual meanings and dual purposes, all wich are hugely conflicting. I long for the ability to separate emotions from food, but today I simply can't. I currently don't have the capacity or ability to feel certain emotions that I usually surpress with food. I'm great at avoiding the real issues in my life, as one could tell through my irrational feelings towards food.
I'd like to start getting real...

Best of the Best

Its been a while, but still trying to pursue this quest... still the path is in question and my destination uncertain, but I am up and running.  January has long since passed and New Year's resolutions are far gone, some how I've managed to gain weight despite every effort to lose...always the case.  I have however tried something new, Bikram Yoga and Boot Camp. For those of you who don't know much about yoga (I don't either but this style intrigued me), Bikram Yoga is practiced in a 105 degree room for 90 minutes-- it's untterly invigorating.  You feel refreshed, loose, and calm by the time you walk out of the building.   Boot camp on the other hand is mentally stimulating, always pushing yourself to finish that last set or try the heavier weight...I find that I am not so much competing with my self as I am trying to improve myself.  Coming from someone who has never willfully attempted to do anything on her own, I've managed to pursue both ventures alone and did so within two weeks.  With that said, I happened to love both classes so much that I've recruited my sister who now does both with me.  We've concluded that although we love both, they can not be done on the same day as our appetites spike excessively and we can consume a refridgerator worth of food upon entering our kitchen.

Speaking of food I must tell you all about two absolutely fabulous recipes that I can not say enough about.  Both come from the same blog that I have followed for at least 2 years and I love it, but this is the first time I am commeting about it.  I have literally fallen in love with brownies. I have of course never turned a brownie down, but this recipe is undeniablly superior to any I have ever tasted, truly exceptional! Now, I unfortuneately don't have a camera or even know how to post pictures yet, but these brownies look as good as they taste.  Of course these aren't your typical brownies, they are cream cheese brownies (a.k.a cheesecake brownies).  The brownie part is more fudge like than cake like, which I believe is due to the pure chocolate flavor and the cream cheese part is subtle but appealing.  Now I don't know if I am even aloud to say where I got this from, but I will be emailing her as soon as I post this to tell her, but please check out Jamie at My Baking Addiction blog and look under cheesecake recipes for cheesecake brownies.  With out a doubt these are the best brownies I have ever tasted, and to top that off they are simple to make.  The only addition I made was to add chocolate chips to both the brownie batter and the cheesecake batter, it adds a little more dimension to the overall brownie. 
      The second recipe is also from Jamie and I will say it is the BEST cheesecake.  I have been smitten with many a cheesecakes, but this....this is simply divine, heavenly, earth shattering! It is light, (yes a cheesecake can be light), luscious, and creamy smooth.  This is perfect for a spring or summer get together or family dinner, but I will certainly be making this year round...it is far too good to keep for certain months. I have actually been thinking that I will make this at least once a week, allowing it to be part of my daily diet...hahaha! Seriously, I made it for Easter and couldn't stop from eating it.  I was getting nervous that there would be no left overs for me to enjoy later, so rather than promote how delicious this was, I toned it down making it seem less appealing...no such luck, everyone who ate it continued to eat it.  If you are looking for a cheesecake recipe, stop and go directly to My Baking Addiction and look under cheesecake for, of course no better title, the Best cheesecake!

I am contemplating participating in the food blog bake sale to raise money for childhood hunger...does anyone have any suggestions or advise, I'd love to hear from anyone...really! till the next time....

In search of something new...

    I absolutely love the film "Sabrina"... you know, the black and white version starring Audrey Hepburn and Humprey Bogart?  I guess a part of me has always felt a little bit like her character in that movie.  She's lonely, unsure of herself, and stares longingly from a tree branch at the starry bright life she wishes for.  For a long time I believed that what I wanted out of life was impossible to obtain, it was unreachable, that what I needed to feel whole was something that I simply just couldnt get to.  However much has changed in a year...life certainly takes many turns, and frankly I've taken a 180.  I now feel like I could someday go to Paris, as Sabrina did, and learn from the top pastry chefs, eat the most decadent desserts, and fall in love by the Eiffel Tower.  As far and away as these dreams of mine may be, at least they are imaginable, at least I know there is something out there that I'd love to do and can hopefully someday live up to, even if it just turns out that I stay in CT, learning how to make pate a choux and creme anglaise from the most renowened cook book, and fall in love with a tall, dark, sweet piece of chocolate. 

      I'm a fresh college grad and in search of something...what I dont really know...but something to fill a void that has consumed me for an unbearably long time.  Did you ever just feel like something is waiting for you, that there is soemthing somewhere anxiously anticipating your arrival?  Some days I feel like that, I feel like there is something purposuful out there destined for me to bring meaning to it. I've battled a difficult past, certainly not tragic, but challenging enough to provoke me to change...to change the way I think, feel, believe, anticipate, eat, sleep, and excersise.  Food ironically has been the constant in my life, we have this love hate relationship that seems to go from one extreme to the other, now a days im trying really hard to keep an even keel...it's much harder than it should be.  I know people tend to personify food, in that it comforts them, makes them happy, and is reliably always there.  This is true for me and I've got to be honest that food certainly attributed to my new lease on life.  It tended to make me crazy when I ate to much of it, happy during the rare splurge, and sad when it didn't satisfy that deep, internal hunger. I didn't find healing in the consumption of food, however making it seemed to noursih my soul allowing me to continually crave that feeling of purpose, peacefulness, and satisfaction. 

      With in the past year I've been baking so much that I believe I've burned out the motor in my mother's Kitchen Aid stand mixer....hopefully she hasn't found out yet, I'm not quite sure of the life span on those things.  I'm absolutely in love with the whole baking process.  From finding Guittard chocolate, to searching for the best recipe, to discovering the infinitate possibilities of butter, sugar, and flour. I think I've found my passion.  During my freshman year of college my English professor asked the class, "when do you feel alive?" I wasn't able to honestly answer that question until this past February when I was making my second batch of venetian cookies (tri-level rainbow cookies).  As I was crumbling the almond paste over the food processessor, my hair pulled tightly away from my face, listenting to a CD my brother made for me a few Christmas' before, I hovered over the kitchen table truly feeling alive, believing that in that single moment I was meant to be right where I was.  Baking in so many ways saved me from a dark depression that I truly feel would have swallowed me whole.  I have found something I love, I have found passion and purpose in the art of baking. 

     I've had no real training, other than watching my Italian grandma make homemade bread, help my late aunt fill a trifle bowl the size of a five gallon pale, and fill cream puffs with my mom using freshly whipped cream, my absolute favorite.  I've always had a sweet tooth and I truly believe in eating dessert first.  I grew up scaling my dinner based on what was for dessert, as I still tend to do.  I think there is true beauty in baking, it is an art and is certainly something that is to be appreciated for its mastery of skill, its impeccable presentation, and for its supreme taste.  I love to create something that can be enjoyed by alomst anyone, I love being able to make someone else smile just by simply offering them a cookie. 

       I've spent a long time wondering about different things and dreaming about a life that I truly felt was out of my reach, as I search for something new I thought why not create something I can share with others who can accompany me on my journey.  I would love to hear from anyone who has any questions, suggestions, tips, or recipes that you would love to share with me.  I consider myself the dilettante baker, as I am no master but simply a dabbler who loves the fine art of creating sweet confections by hand.