Thursday, May 26, 2011

Getting real

I had mentioned in my introductory post that I have this love/ hate relationship with food...I love it while I'm eating but, instantly hate myself for loving it some much that I completely over indulge and feel totally disgusted with myself. I'm rather highly emotional and I tend to take out my emotions on food. Right now, and for a good part of my life, I'd consider food to be everything I look forward to. I don't believe that to be a truly horrific statement, but I allow food to be my life despite wanting so many other things. I allow food to control me and that's the part I am not ok with.
Never, ever thought I would have an eating disorder...I am currently in my second year of recovery, however I sometimes feel like I swapped one eating disorder for another and therefore still controlled by food. I went from total restriction to utter indulgence... from complete emptiness to unsatisfyingly full. I find the most comfort in food, maybe not so much food itself, as the act of eating. While eating, my mind escapes and I feel nothing but joy and anticipation for the next bite...I guess I crave the feeling rather than the taste. I've for a long time been depressed, lonely, and sad...I realize now that I don't feel any of those things while I am eating. Food and I have this crazy relationship,as I pause and really think about it, this might be the most intense relationship I have. My thoughts, feelings, and motives about and for food are rooted so deep and have grown so intertwined with many if not all areas of my life. How I think, perceive, anticipate, feel, and live for food is pretty characteristic of how I think, perceive, anticipate, and feel about anything. Food is my escape, my sactuary, my happiness, yet it is my demise, my grief, my hell. I struggle so much I think because food is my everything, meaning that it is my happinnes and my sadnes, my escape and my prison, my enjoyment and my dissatisfaction. I've given food dual meanings and dual purposes, all wich are hugely conflicting. I long for the ability to separate emotions from food, but today I simply can't. I currently don't have the capacity or ability to feel certain emotions that I usually surpress with food. I'm great at avoiding the real issues in my life, as one could tell through my irrational feelings towards food.
I'd like to start getting real...